Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Framework For Love

“Are you there for me?”

Relationships are hard. They start out idealized and romanticized, but usually somewhere along the way we often feel disillusioned and alone. How can something that often first emerges in a magical, uplifting way, turn into the hurt and fear that so often finds itself on my couch.

As mentioned in my previous post, connection is linked to survival and the biggest threat to connection is rejection. What happens if you are kicked out of your tribe? In this way our community can easily become a threat instead of a safe, protective haven. Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), says the essential question we all have in relationships is, ‘are you there for me’. It is in her opinion, THE QUESTION when it comes to relationships.

This is the question I am assessing for when couples come and sit on my couch. How are they answering each others bids for safety and acceptance? Do they recognize the validity of each others feelings and experiences? Can they effectively communicate safety? It is my job as an EFT Couples Therapist to model seeing and accepting each partner for where they are and assisting them in recognizing the reactive survival mechanisms as they arise. Through this work, we begin to see where partners may be missing each others signals, and through the experiential present-focused process, we are all able to begin to understand ourselves and each other in a more secure way.